Self Deluded Cranium Dump

Or somewhat similar to my other opinions of similar news stories from years past. Such as, "It's only a bloody whale!" (a whale ends up in the Thames and the UK ends up in a stupid sentimental hysteria, somewhere between mourning Diana and a Crimewatch TV presenter). Or "It's only a rather infantile cartoon, don't declare a fatwa on the entire Dutch race for it". Or "It's only a Fringe musical featuring Jesus in a nappy and swearing, don't kill a stand-up comic for it!"

But, yeah, thank God I didn't write a blog entry article on any of those, because Muslim fundamentalists decide to go utterly apeshit at someone being saved from the death penalty because she... um... decided to agree with 6-year-olds in her classroom as to what they were going to call a stuffed toy. It's a bit different to that fatwah declared on a Booker Prize winner some 15 years ago.

  Let's pick on the poor harmless 54-year-old school teacher instead, who is teaching children the wonders of democracy by getting them to stick their hand in the air as to which name they should choose.

Actually, this ain't an atheist rant. Contrary to popular opinion, I'd actually quite like to believe in God. I'm sure it would give me a slightly sunnier nature and more optimism in humanity. As it is, I'd like to believe in an Almighty Being, but don't (that doesn't mean I'm agnostic, as agnostics essentially have a wood railing stuck up their jacksy - I don't sit on the fence on most issues).

  No, this is a libertarian pro-democracy rant. It also means that certain reactionaries reading this article, expecting me to go all Daily Mail on them (e.g. ranting about Muslims being given free reign, while good Christians are once again relegated to third-best, who won the War anyway?), are going to be sadly disappointed. No, this is me fighting for the rights for Muslims, Catholics, Protestants, Buddhists, Jews, Quakers, Daily Mail readers, Humanists, Guardian readers, BNP supporters, the whole damned lot the right to criticise opposing ideologies without them fucking killing each other.

The Qu'Ran details the fundamental goals of Islam - and one is the preservation of life. The Bible states similar things. Jewish philosophy details the quality and value of life. As for atheists like me, I relish the fact that evolution in it's wonderfully chaotic order within ecological niches, actually happens quicker than most religious zealots would have you believe. Didn't you change your mind at least once today? That frontal lobe decided to change direction at least once surely - between having Crunchy Nut cornflakes or museli; that's evolution, baby.

  Happening right now. In that split second. Every single human being is a unique vessel, with a million-lock combination of neurons firing in an entirely different way to the single human next to them; an entirely different world of perception just a shoulder flick away. By the way, as an aside to all this, there is an almost perfect correlation between the evolved size of the amygdala and lower temporal lobe to how religious you are. The amygdala is that old ancient part of the brain that controls the 'flight or fight' response too. I'd wager that religion was a necessary part of survival in a prehistoric society, but is becoming less and less of a certainty as that bit of the brain gets smaller and smaller, with logic and reasoning dictating in these enlightened secular times. Just a thought - don't kill me for it. It's my amygdala and I'd protect anyone else's, big or small - the gamut of schizophrenic, religious text basher, agnostic, atheist and exceedingly dull person who doesn't believe in anything and buys the Telegraph.

In fact, religion provide a wonderful backdrop to some awesome creativity, rather than the awful destructivity and censorship the louder-voiced denizens wish to foist upon us. There's nothing to get the blood pounding than a good parable, some audacious Michaelangelo Catholic imagery or a Dante tryptych graphical depiction of Hell. Not to mention the fact that Jesus or Mohammed said some nice, peaceful and forgiving guidelines on how to live a good and fruitful life and how to help your neighbours. None of that reinterpretation deserves a stoning. Or when someone in Hollywood decided to re-write the Sinbad classical movie, making certain that Sinbad wasn't an Iraqi. Actually, that probably is worth the odd death threat, simply from the view of artistic integrity vs. a Michael Bay movie.

But back to my atheism again and, specifically, religious fundamentalism trying to silence my views in an ostensibly libertarian democracy (yes, I know, I know; that argument is reserved for yet another blog entry about the unholy alliance between Brown and Cameron - YES, there is one, haven't you noticed?) - so fed up am I with being gagged for what I want to say, without fear of being burned at the stake or have a Salman done on me, I've decided that democracy pays for me to have a sort of opinionated joi de vivre. After a fortnight of growing a beard and people reckoning that there was something of the religious nutter about my facial hair, I decided to become fundamentalist in my beliefs. However, that didn't mean I was going to convert to another religion just to keep up with my hairy image. It struck me that there was a 'gap in the market' amongst the born-again Christians, Zionist zealots and the Muslim extremists.

I was going to shave and become an "atheist fundamentalist". I would be the first of my kind and would attempt to recruit an army of followers. I would scream "There is no God!" and shake my fist at irregular
intervals. I would threaten cinemas that showed

Mel Gibson movies, but didn't screen David Cronenberg movies. If I got into an intellectual discussion with religious moderates or agnostics, I would not listen to their arguments and quote large tracts from Richard Dawkins' books. I would declare death to any person or country that dares produce a satirical cartoon of my prophet Desmond Morris.

That ought to show 'em.

Next up: I promise, a return to the form. This entry and the last one is coming dangerously close to being mindlessly Messianic. Christ, I even said joi de vivre, for the love of Nigella. I'll toss off the usual Wagnerian review of the last episode of "Heroes". Or "The Mighty Boosh". Depends on how I'm feeling. Heck, why not even a parallel review of both...