25 Things You Didn't Know About Me - The Abridged Version

Right, I've had a stomach virus in the last 3 days, so I've not been able to do much writing for the blog. In fact, I've not had much time to do anything apart from let my guts indulge in some soft-mittened fisticuffs in the depths of my intestines (which, incidentally, is a lot more uncomfortable than it sounds, even if it does sound like an exercise in "kicking off" in a Glasgow pub, while asking for a pint of warm milk). So, I'm just going to rehash some old material I wrote as part of one of those ludicrous Facebook "share some interesting facts about yourself with your friends" fun 'n' games. I've had to "anonymise" (is that even a word? it's a Nicholson neologism now) some of the acquaintances in it for a world wide web community, so enjoy.

1) I wrote the music for the Pearl & Dean adverts in the 1970s. This should've netted me a small fortune in royalties, but I couldn't think of any lyrics. As a result, I violated the contract and I don't make a penny out of those adverts. I still wince whenever I hear, "Baaaah bah, baaaah bah, ba ba ba..." in my local cinema.
2) I bought the only 4-wheeled Reliant Robin.
3) An anagram of Christopher Philip Nicholson is "Shh, Cliche Nihilist Porno Prop".
4) I have the sexual magnetism of a lion on heat, but the sexual performance of a depressed trombone.
5) My mate, Casual Egoist, keeps expecting us to have a fistfight in the near future. What he doesn't know is that we've already had the fight and I knocked him into the future.
6) Priscilla Presley doesn't actually exist and I was the man who proved it.
7) I had a sex change operation when I was 14, but then got bored and changed back again when I was 17. Apparently, I was the only person to have done this. Unless you count the bloke that changed six times.
8) One of my best friends is my complete opposite. Hairy Insomniac is a short, hairy, married Scottish nationalist white honky and has been with the same woman nearly his whole life. I'm a tall, wiry half-n****r who actually hates the Scottish and can barely nail down an Ikea wardrobe, let alone a steady relationship with a woman.
9) Political correctness is something I'm vaguely aware of, but only nod to briefly.
10) I'd like to be reincarnated as Tori Amos's piano stool.
11) I'm not a bad man, but I wouldn't say I'm a good man.
12) One of my best new friends is a lovely lady called Bailey's Belle. We knew each other in school, but not that well - so it's nice that we're close friends now. However, any time I've ever gone out drinking with her, I end up with more and more extravagant injuries. I'm half-expecting to lose a major limb the next time I go to the pub with her.
13) I'm an atheist fundamentalist. I set fire to Watchtower magazine whenever it makes disparaging remarks or does fatuous cartoons about Richard Dawkins.
14) I once hacked the internet in the 1990s. The internet is only one line of code, I still don't know what the fuss is about.
15) Lots of rock stars sold their soul to the Devil. On the one occasion that the transaction was reversed, the Devil sold his soul to Lemmy from "Motorhead". I negotiated the contract.
16) I used to think I was gay, until I was told it was a sexual orientation, not a state of mind. I still thought I was gay, until another friend of mine told me that having sex with yourself doesn't count. After a third time of thinking I was gay, Peter Tatchell told me to stop calling him. I'm now straight, but only by default.
17) I once fell asleep while driving my car, only to dream that I was driving the same car. I woke up, just as I parked my car in the drive. I then walked into my front door without opening it, banged my head and required stitching.
18) During Summer, I suffer an obscure form of Tourettes Syndrome, where I sing the swear words in operatic arias.
19) I once stole a Thunderball scratchcard off Mystic Meg, during the one time in her life when she 'used powers for evil'. I won £20,000, but lost it immediately as it happened to be the one day when David Blaine had 'turned bad' as well, and he levitated the cash onto the Statue of Liberty as part of a 'street magic' TV series. The bearded, monotonous-voiced cunt.
20) I was actress Dawn Steele's first 'leading man' in a play. She asked me if I could see her as a successful actress whilst I was driving her around the Campsie Hills. I told her I could see a future where she'd star in a couple of Sunday night serials ('the televisual equivalent of a log fire, mug of cocoa and comfy slippers'), co-star with two former Doctor Whos and would be beaten in a TV singing contest by someone in "Eastenders".
21) I was in an arranged marriage. It had been arranged by John Williams, written by Debussy and sung by Sarah Brightman.
22) My favourite word is 'plinth'. I like it, because I invented it.
23) I once wrote a journalistic piece for The Guardian, which coincidentally was the first article in said newspaper that didn't have a misprint. Polly Toynbee hailed it as a 'new era in print history' for the beleagured lefty liberal broadsheet.
24) My catchphrase is: "What are you doing in that big cardboard box?". It didn't catch on.
25) I might have lied in some of these 25 "facts".

Chris Nicholson realises he didn't make all of the references to his friends completely anonymous. But Dawn has an agent now and she can go through the usual channels of litigation. The stuff about the drive around the Campsie Hills is true enough though.